Obligatory Introductory Post

Hi There. This is more for future me than anyone else who could potentially be reading this one day. But, hey, if my blog found it's way to your life, welcome... and know that I am not in the greatest mental state as I write this and creating space is how I deal with my mental health care.

I have always been attuned to others' energy and feelings. I have been called gifted in many ways that could never be explained and I usually can "fee' my way around situations and find the right answers, except when it comes to my own life. I have lived as an anxious-avoidant attachment participant, ensuring that I do not form bonds with other adults as most people can. I am a victim of abandonment and neglect and, I am currently 51 years old. For half a century I have been a victim because I have been blind to my own need to deal with the shackles, and have, as a result, hurt many along the way.

I have been married multiple times and walked away without a second thought because they were not real marriages. I married the first time because I was pregnant, I married the second time because I was divorced and needed protection for my kids and I married third time because I thought that by protecting someone else I would pay back the harm I had done. What a stupid way to live. But, I did tell myself that once my youngest one turned 18 and graduated high school, I would actually open my heart to forming that adult attachment with someone... if I was able to. I didn't really think I could, but I worked on opening my heart to the possibility.

As a Leo-Virgo (I was "lucky" enough to be born on THAT cusp) I was already filled with inner struggles and contradiction. Add to that being born to a mother who hated her life with an alchoholic whom she married while she was in love with someone else, and life was marked to be a different kind of struggle from the beginning. I was blessed to be raised in the love of my grandparents, so there is that, but that's for another day. Anyway, as a Leo-Virgo I was born in what some call "The Cusp of Exposure" and as an added bonus, Leo children feel rejection deeply because we are wired for love and affirmation. Go Figure. Enter life into a womb that hated the idea of me.

I hear that Virgo energy adds hyper-awareness, sensitivity to done and micro-expressions, responsibility beyond my years, fixer energy (this one has been especially "fun" in my life), high-standrds and self-criticism. I have read that Leo-Virgos usually display outward strength, but inward anxiety. We have a deep need to perform well but feel responsible for everyone else's emotional state. On top of all of that, I was a breech birth and had the cord wrapped around my neck. There is a story my grandma's sister would tel me about how my great-grandma would "visit" during the week before I was born to make sure she told my birth mother to ensure the doctors did not pull me out. Oh, yeah, great-grandma... another story for another day. She was highly gifted in all things spiritual and she died a week before I was born (which is also the date my son was born... but, yeah, another story for another day... he is pretty special too!)

So, anyway, welcome to the madness. Being born with a cord wrapped around your neck supposedly associated with being silenced early in life, but like I said, I was blessed to have been raised in. the love of my grandparents protection, so they ensured I had a voice, even though my birth mother tried to silence (and is still trying). Being born with a cord around your neck also (supposedly) signifies having to fight to survive, and, well, that one I believe. I have had to fight to survive and I am looking for different ways to fight. So, in connecting with gifts that have been passed down to me through my maternal side, I am sharing my exploratory journey. It may lead to nothing but entertainment, to keep me from spiraling at times when I need it, or it may serve as a record of my journey to heal from what fifty years have done to my mental health as I transition into this new phase in life.

Oh, I forgot to actually introduce myself , well, I resigned from decades of teaching last May (2025), exactly 2 months after my close friend passed away from cancer. Remember when I said I didn't make adult attachments? Well, she was one of the few. The first real one was my current husband. Remember when I said I had promised to work on opening myself up to adult attachments? Well, I had spent decades lying to myself that it would be easy. My youngest graduated high school, I had met someone, and things were good. He was (and is... spoiler alert... 10 years later we are still together) a good guy, but I had no idea how to make myself let someone in. Then, my dog died.

He was a mini Schnauzer who gave me 10 amazing years. My daughter graduated high school, my son came home from the military for a 2 week visit, and he went back to his base, she graduated, and then my dog died. I was broken. I was alone. If you have ever lost a pet, you know. There is no word for it because there is no way to describe it. I was living alone at the time because my youngest had gone to spend the summer with her father and this happened. I was in the middle of despair and I looked up at a hand that picked me up and held me close. It was him. He was in his uniform (military) and he held me close and tight and I felt safe. For the first time, in decades, I felt safe. I didn't even know what I was feeling until I started sobbing uncontrollably and then he soothed me to sleep.

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and he was still awake, just holding me and making sure I was ok. I remember I closed my eyes and for the first time in my life, I was grateful for having someone like him in my life. I felt something light up inside and I knew he was the one. Now, I wish I could say this was an easy love story, but it was not. There were (and still are) challenges. These challenges always exist when two imperfect people who have a lot to learn spent their lives ignoring those lessons, but then decide to catch up on the lessons. Life sure has taught us.

So, here I am. Going back to the roots. Connecting with the ancestors and opening channels that many religions close and many people are blind to. I know I have this gift. I always have. I know I got this from my two maternal great-grandmothers. One was a gypsy child and the other was an indigenous child. Both had strong ancestral gifts, both passed them down through my mother. Unfortunately, my mother did not inherit these gifts. I do not know if they skip a generation, or just skipped her. I do not know if they were passed down to my aunt (her sister) but I am going to predict that they were passed down to her, which explains a lot about her life and her struggles. I know they have been passed down to one of my three daughters. I know these gifts live through her and I know she is the only one because my aunt never had daughters and so, if any, her gifts die with her... unless that's not how it works, then maybe there is hope.

Anyway, I bought a Tarot card set last year and didn't feel like I was in the right mind set to use them and learn. I had no idea how it worked. I have always been interested but I never wanted anyone else to do any readings for me. I feel that some people are gifted in this and some are just trying to take advantage. I believe I can tell the difference and have decided to share my journey into exploring these gifts. As I said, if my page found you and this resonates with you, then, let me know. I would like to connect with those people who have been blessed with what I am writing here. I do feel that sharing content online helps people connect. In fact, one of my longest friendships is with someone I met online decades ago. I guess it was easier to form attachments online to someone who didn't feel real, but having seen her in the last couple of weeks has shown me that I do truly love her and have to be a better friend.

So, I thank anyone who joins in this with me, from early on to the later weeks, months or even years. I leave this record of my journey for my children to read one day. I leave this here for my husband to find and know that he has been one of the greatest gifts life has given me and the reason for this journey. I want to be well for him. I want to calm my mind and be able to enjoy all of the many blessings. As to why the name "My Nine Swords"? Well, that's definitely a story for another day, but luckily for you, that is the next story I am telling. Welcome to my journey.